


A Merc with a Clown

by theycalledittheficofdreams



Category: DC - Fandom, Marvel
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:59:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theycalledittheficofdreams/pseuds/theycalledittheficofdreams
Summary: Our favourite mercenary managed to bust out of one comic world right into another, to meet none other than Harley Quinn.





	A Merc with a Clown

'Aiming all of your ammo directly at the reader isn't going to end well for any of us really. But for Wade Wilson, he had to find that one out the hard way. '

"Hey! I can fucking hear you, ya know?!"

'Well if he would shut up, maybe I could skip the boring parts of this story and fast forward to the juicy bits, where he meets me! Yeah, yeah, you're not quite so used to seeing me through your fourth wall right? Well here I am! Your very own Queen of Arkham and resident doctor... Harley Quinn!'

"Quiet it down sugar, I'm trying to re-grow a limb."

'Shut it! Wait again? When did that happen? No... This is my story... and here goes... 

I love comic books, they're so fun and fast paced and down right hilarious. Especially that guy in red with the great butt, but don't tell him I said that. The great Deadpool was my number one fictional crush after end of my last love affair with my Mistah J. Maybe it was his crazy antics, his sharp wit and quick mouth that brought the appeal, or maybe it was how great his ass looked while wielding those kick ass katanas, either way, I had fallen in love with that crazy fictional anti-hero. '

"Aww she likes my butt... hehehe."

''Anyway, that was how it was. I bought the comics, read them over and over until new ones came out and the cycle would just rinse and repeat. But like any system I'm involved in, one madman with a grand plan can change it all. '

"Ooooh this is where I come in!! Can I tell them? Pleeeeeeeeaaase?"

'Fine.'

"Brilliant! I get to tell you my plan!   
So, I was wondering how I could possibly break the fourth wall anymore than I usually do. I've managed to break the fourth wall within the fourth wall... sixteen god damned walls ya know!? But yet, I felt I could do better. I decided to blow it up.   
So, I precariously piled up each and every weapon I could find, including my knives and swords (aimed with a home made slingshot... who knew?!) and aimed them right at you! The reader! And BOMBS AWAY!! Weeeeeeeeeeeee"

'Gee, let me tell you how much of a shock I got when instead of a page full of explosives, I had a room full. A quick bang and my apartment was flattened... I liked that apartment.'

"How many times do I have to pretend to be sorry about that...?"

'Can it, Wade! '

"Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm sorry, alright sweet cheeks?"

'Sure, whatever you say dumbass. Well anyhow, suddenly I was in a pile of rubble and sat next to a pile of goop. '

"That's me!"

'Which, yes, grew into the living and breathing, ever regrowing deadpool by my side.   
So where did we go from here? Well that's a story and a half! 

So here I was, coughing, spluttering in the dust cloud of my house and suddenly I hear this most god awful wheezing. '

"Me again!" 

'I swear down I will not hesitate to shoot you if you don't pipe the hell down'

"Alright, alright. I'll wait my turn."

'Good. Well there he was, a half formed mess on my floor. I would have been worried about my carpet if it wasn't already burnt to a crisp. Soon enough I had a fully grown Wade Wilson lounging on my floor and I was frozen. What would you do if your favourite character came out of his comic right into your living room?! Yeah, I thought as much...'

"All I asked was if you would tidy the place up next time I visited."

'Yeah well maybe I wouldn't have to if you hadn't have blown it up!'

"Technicalities... they always get in the way. Anyway, then I wanted food. Growth takes energy and that energy needed replaced. My stomach was making the rumblies, the rumblies that only left over cold pizza could truly satisfy."

'Which I also woulda had if you hadn't blown up the place.'

"Shhh! My turn now blondie!"

'Pfft, sure. I wanted a rest from all this yappin' anyway... '

"Mmhmm. So I picked up clown face over here and sought out the closest pizza place. My nose has never failed me yet and within in five blocks I'd tracked down a pizzeria. That beautiful smell crept up to me and filled me with determination, that pizza... was mine!"

'You coulda just stood in line...'

"Yeah well, I wasn't up for waiting. So I jumped up to the counter, somersaulted over the server and landed in front of the pizza oven. I saw that beautiful piece of dough with perfect toppings just ready to be taken out of the fire and reached back for my katana and... swiftly remembered that it wasn't there. "Shit" Now that was awfully embarrassing...   
But I wasn't gunna use the pizza shovel... thing... no that's too easy, and I was too hungry. I grabbed the pizza with my bare (well gloved actually) hands and ran off, grabbing blondie over here on my exit."

'I do have a name Deadpool...'

"Wow, you're called Deadpool too, what a coincidence!"

'Wade! Don't test me! '

"Alright, alright, Harley. Don't get your pony tails in a twist.   
So I grabbed Harley and ran, unfortunately getting pizza grease all over my lovely suit."

'Ya know Wade... this story might be told a lot easier if we let the narrator take over for a little while... '

"But where's the fun in that, eh reader?" 

'Don't make this more difficult than it needs to be... I will start cutting off limbs'

"No, no, no, they've only just grown back from the last time. Fine, narrator can take over for a while, you buzzkill"

'Good boy'

So Deadpool and Harley Quinn, a pair like no other. Both confused, both aching and both covered in hot pizza grease from what was actually a horrendous failure on Deadpool's part. His 'somersault' ended in him landing on the Pizza peel.

"Aaah, that's what it's called... wait no! Don't tell them th-"

After which the pizzas flew through the air, covering everyone with their toppings. It was only at this point did he realise he had no katanas, or weapons of any kind with him and he grabbed our heroine and ran away. 

"That's not how it happened at all"

'Actually Wade, it is. The narrator doesn't lie.'

"Well they didn't have to tell the reader all that, maybe I'll shoot the narrator next"

'You don't even have guns at this part of the story'

"Oh yeah, Narrator, continue. Daddy needs his firepower"

Hmm, thank you Deadpool.   
As I was saying, the two ran through the streets, finally stopping to catch their breath.  
"Are you crazy?" Harley cried, laughing heartily.   
"Only as crazy as you" Deadpool replied, watching his burnt hands healing over.   
"Then sugar you have a bombshell coming your way cause I'm as cuckoo as a coconut," she winked and laughed.   
"Oh I know who you are, I'd only risk death to depart my pages for someone of... equal mental grounds as my self"   
"Mr Deadpool, you do know how to flatter a gal," she said, extending an exuberant courtesy to Wade, a sly grin on her face. Catching on, Deadpool took her hand and kissed it, pulling his mask up above his mouth before quickly covering it again.  
"I try my best Mi'lady" he chuckled. 

"I'm starved, and filthy thanks to you... I think you owe me a drink" Harley changed the subject on account of her growing hunger and growling stomach. Wade smiled through his mask,   
"Right... about your house..." He tenderly approached the topic of her ruined home.   
"Oh come on, I live in a world of super heroes and villains, it gets demolished every other Sunday, I'll have it fixed soon enough." They laughed together and walked back to the apartment. Through the ruin Harley managed to gather a change of clothes. She slapped Wade no less than three times while attempting to maintain privacy while changing, which he gleefully laughed off, crying "Kinky" each time she hit him. The grease stains on Deadpool's suit began to set in, so naturally Harley demanded he "Strip" so she could wash them. This had NoTHing to do with wanting to see him naked. 

'It didn't!'

"Sure it didn't"

'Shut up Wade, the Narrator is speaking'

Of course not Harley. Well she did give him some replacement clothes, as tight fitting as they were he rather liked them, and she wasn't complaining about their tightness either. 

Deadpool's attire got him some odd looks at the diner. Or maybe it was his face, or maybe it was matching outfits they both wore. But one thing was for certain, they were about to be a laughing stock.   
"One strawberry milkshake and fries please" Harley chimed up at her sever, a tall woman with long hair kept in a strict pony tail. Her stone cold eyes shifted to Wade and focused into perplexity. This was the most emotion Harley had seen her show in... forever. The moment must be photographed. *CLICK* As the flash blinded them both they rushed into action.   
"Male that two of each thanks," Deadpool asked politely as he could. The woman nodded, scribbling down her notes but never taking her judgemental gaze from him, his clothes, his scars. 

She came back, delivered the drinks and fries. Her gaze remained fixated on him.   
"Are you just gunna sit and take that?" Harley asked, dipping a fry into her shake.  
"You do that too?!" Deadpool exclaimed, plunging a fry into his shake and dodging her question.   
"Yeah, 'course I do. Tastes much better this way" she smiled. A glance around the room dampened her smile as she saw how many people were staring at her new friend. She couldn't stand for that, so naturally she stood up on the table.   
"Listen up, you little shits! If my friend is wearing odd clothes it's none of your god damn business, I think he look fabulous. If my friend has scars it's NONE OF. YOUR. GOD. DAMN. BUSINESS." she declared to the room. "Capisce?" she added sweetly before hopping back down onto her seat and tucking into some more fries. Stunned silence filled the room, broken only by the sound of Harley's eating. Even Wade was in awe of her performance, his admiration plastered all over his face in a wide grin. 

"Stop making me sound all sappy!"

'Aww is poor Wade afraid that people will see his feelings?' 

"Shut up Harley!"

She shyly smiled back before eating the cherry from her smoothie. 

Milkshake after Milkshake after Milkshake they stayed in the diner all day, watching each person filter in and out. One glare from Harley was enough to stop any glances at Wade from any judgemental assholes who walked in. But eventually it quietened down later on, until they were the only two customers left.   
"Hey, you uh, didn't have to do that. You know, earlier..."   
"I know," she chirped, "but I didn't want them to look at you like that."  
"I'm used to the looks, that's what the mask is for" he looked down into the bottom of his latest milkshake, finishing it in one slurp.   
"You shouldn't have to be, ya know? Your imperfections and uniqueness is what makes you, you. Don't be ashamed to let 'em show." Harley tried to reassure him.   
"Thanks Harley" he said half heartedly.

"Oh yeah, everyone look at me while I'm feeling down! Can we please just fast forward to where I get my weapons back...?" 

'Waaade, we can't just skip the story!'

"Blah blah blah, the middle bit isn't important, I want my weapons!"

'Ugh, fine. Take it away narrator.'

Well, before the weapons were found a trip to the dry cleaners was necessary... apparently. "I don't see why you're so eager to get your uniform back... I think this outfit is... fitting of you" Harley said while walking down the street.  
"Thanks Harley, but this... it's giving me an awful wedgie" Deadpool quickly lied.   
Harley eyed him for a moment before shrugging her shoulders and skipping to the store, dragging Deadpool by the hand along with her.   
Ten minutes later a fully dressed Deadpool emerged from the bathroom in the launderers. He breathed out a sigh, "much better."   
"Meh" Harley said from the corner. "I liked the other one, I could actually see ya."  
"Trust me, it's better this way Quinn" he returned before leaving the shop.   
"Hey. Wait up. Don't putcha self do-" she was cut off by a katana landing directing in front of her. Another flew down from above and landed parallel only moments after it. All was silent, stunned and still, aside from Wade. Who was squealing like a prepubescent girl at a pop concert.   
"My Babies!!" he ran up to the swords, picked them up in his arms, span around and hugged them to himself. The blades cut into his skin and blood trickled down them.   
"Uh... Wade?" Harley ventured to ask.   
"It's worth it" was his only reply, squeezing the blades closer to him.   
After one, emotional, reunion had taken place it was cut short by a cascade of weapons piling down onto the pair on the street. Daggers of various shapes and sizes fell, a large range firearms and explosives rained onto the pavement. Until they were both throughly buried. Even Harley's weapons fell down, most likely having been blown into the sky from the blast, because that's how physics works. 

"HEY! You're not allowed to make jokes about the real world and how the physics of comics is often flawed or bent. That is MUCH too close to the forth wall" 

Alright, alright. A bruised Harley and Deadpool returned to Harley's apartment, mysteriously and miraculously back in one piece. They stumbled up the stairs, exhausted and aching before collapsing into a heap on her sofa. Which was also returned in one piece, (hmm who knew?). 

The night disappeared and the day crept upon them. Tangled limbs on the sofa were illuminated by rays of sunlight softly waking up Harley, who naturally groaned and turned away from the light to get more sleep. When she came face to face with Deadpool. Their legs were still twisted into each other's yet the proximity startled Harley and she flew back onto the carpet with a squeal. 

'I did NOT squeal' 

"You kinda did Harlz"

'Shut up!'

The commotion woke Deadpool up who realised what had happened and was blushing under his red hood.   
"Owwie" Harley rubbed where she had fallen. "That hurt."  
To distract from his embarrassment Deadpool began to giggle, then to chuckle and then to laugh at Harley sitting on the floor. That was at least until she threw a bag at his head. And he returned the attack with a pillow projectile of his own. 

After the mature adults had finished their pillow fight, they finally decided on eating breakfast. "Pancakes!" Deadpool cried out upon entering the kitchen.   
"Mmm, yes please." Harley hummed in response.   
"Coming right up.." he darted around the kitchen, gathering measuring jugs, bowls and other assorted equipment, before grabbing the flour and... emptying it onto the floor.   
"Nice job clutz," taunted Harley, "now I have to go to the shop." Deadpool merely made his way to the living room and lay down, put his feet up and made himself comfortable.  
"I'll wait until you come back then," he said cheerily, reaching for the tv remote.   
Unfortunately for him, Harley was too fast and snatched it up before him. "No way, José," she wagged the remote in emphasis. 

"Hey, you never told me who 'José' is. Should I be jealous?"

'Wade, you idiot. It's a saying...'

"Oh, riiiiight. Not that I would be jealous or anything, of course."

So Harley grabbed Wade by the collar and dragged him out of the apartment and to the store. "You lazy, self entitled little..." she was cut off mid sentence. Waiting outside of the store, Mistah J's hit men.   
"We're here for the one in red hugging the bag of flour," a rather brutish looking clown said.  
"Who, me?" Deadpool asked, lowering the flour from his face.   
The clowns laughed horrendously and charged headfirst.   
"Oh sh-" Deadpool tossed the flour into the air and caught it again, avoiding the bat of an angry clown. With one hand he fumbled for anything he could find. Finally he produces... a chopstick.   
"Waaaade..." Harley was panicking, with no weapons she was fighting each clown hand to hand, several were unconscious at her feet already. He chuckled, poking the clown closest to him in the eye and catching the bat he dropped in surprise. He smiled, proud of himself, but was woken from his moment of pride when a throwing knife buried itself in his shoulder.   
"Ow," he moaned, "not fair." He threw it back into the head of the Clown from whom it had came. Harley smiled at him, brushing a strand of hair from her face, "Hey nice sh- whaa?" She was falling backwards, Deadpool above her.   
He had pushed her over. "Hey get off me..." she squealed and pushed him off. When she took her hand off of him they were red and slick with blood. "No... Wade no."   
He looked at her, "Hey, Doll. You did good." He coughed weakly.   
"Don't you dare die on me. Don't you dare." She screamed as he slumped in her arms.

A solitary clown remained, laughing with a gun in his hand. He was reloading. She took the first gun she found on deadpools belt and shot blindly at the clown until she heard him slump to the ground. Tears fell as she cradled Deadpools body, her sobs getting louder each time.   
"...mneh" a weak groan. "Gnuh... fuhh" he gathered strength and croaked out, "I still... have the flour." Holding it up as evidence.   
"Wade?!" She jumped at the noice and gleefully squealed with excitement, "You're alive, you heal here!!" She hugged him fiercely. Then without thinking for more than a moment she lifted his mask and kissed him. Taken aback for a moment he wasn't sure how to react, but he soon melted into the kiss. A romantic first kiss in a pile of corpses, very appropriate for this couple. 

' "SURPRISE" '

'Are you surprised?!'

"I sure was!"

'Pfft, you'd died. I was... emotional'

"Uh huh, what about the time after that, or after that? I haven't died more than once recently..."

'Well now I... just shut up alright' 

"Fine get to the bit where we had pancakes!"

Alright, alright. So they went back to the apartment, which Wade promptly filled with an unrealistic amount of pancakes.   
"Jeez, Wade. That's a lotta pancakes..."  
He nodded enthusiastically, turning round to display his 'Kiss the Cook' apron. She read it and smirked. She raised a questioning eyebrow. His answering grin compelled her obey the apron and kiss him once again. They then

"Ate their pancakes..."

'Yeah... that's what we did."

No, you...

"We ate pancakes and then watched Netflix. Isn't that right narrator?"

Well... I

'Nothing else considered 'NSFW' occurred here at all'

Okay... okay. Well my job is over now then, I've ran out of story. 

"Good! Now I get to talk again. So yeah, me and Harlz are a thing. Deal with it reader, it's why you came here anyway."

'You know... now they know everything it's a little boring... Let's do something Wade...'

"Well we can't do THAT while they're here... wait what if..."

'Are you thinking... oh no' 

Weapons piled up, aimed at the reader and ready to fire. 

3 

2

1


End file.
